Finding Spouses and a Network on Campus

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In 2013, Princeton alumna and mother Susan Patton wrote a letter to the editor of The Daily Princetonian (Princeton University’s daily student newspaper). She infamously suggested to Princeton women to “find a husband before you graduate,” immediately drawing criticism for being anti-feminist. While I don’t agree with her thesis about finding husbands on campus, I agree that college campuses can provide access to unusually concentrated populations of people. That premise is applicable to networking, too.  (The original letter in March 2013 was, “Advice for the young women of Princeton: the daughters I never had;” it was followed in April 2013 with another letter to the editor, “To the women of Princeton.”)

Her argument, in short, is as follows. Women have less time in which to have kids, tend to marry older, and, in Patton’s view, must marry up intellectually, whereas men have more time in which to have kids, can marry younger, and can marry down intellectually. Consequently, women have a smaller pool and less time than men and so the women of Princeton should find a husband while on campus. For the record, I disagree with many of her assumptions and conclusions, but I’m not here to write about marriage.

Before getting into the details, I want to define the concept of high-concentration populations. Certain groups concentrate specific types of people through either shared interests or selectivity. Ivy League schools create a dense population of academically gifted people. Schools known for top athletic or music programs concentrate people in those fields, which may be relevant to your future endeavors. Industry groups bring together people in your profession who can be helpful as you work in the industry.

I always point out that colleges have floors, not ceilings. It’s rare (but not impossible) to find academically weak people at Ivy League colleges. Exceptional people exist everywhere; selective schools simply change the distribution. Importantly, this should not be viewed as commentary on the character or value of the students at any school. 

Why do these concentrations of people at Princeton and other organizations matter? The people in these concentrated populations are likely to be highly relevant to your future. Students at a top school especially, but really at almost any college, represent a population within which it is worth building relationships. Hence, Patton’s suggestion, taken more generally, is applicable: you should proactively build connections with many people while in school. Likewise, industry associations concentrate people in your profession who are likely to be relevant to your future.

Importantly, I always remind people that the people you want in your network are the ones who will return your calls. That doesn’t mean they’d always say yes to an ask, just that they’d consider it. I’d rather have someone with a low-level job who will read my emails than be “connected” to some executive with a fancy pedigree who is a connection on paper only and will never engage. Networking is about having a relationship, not a row in a social media database representing a link.

You may not know a priori who will maintain a true relationship and who will not, so it makes sense to build relationships broadly. Unlike during much of adult life, on a college campus people are generally open to meeting others and are at a stage of life where developing relationships is especially important. Later in life, it’s rarely as easy to meet and build relationships with many people as it is in college.

Don’t just evaluate people based on their current or future titles; consider their character, too. Career potential may make a relationship professionally valuable, but it isn’t a sufficient reason to invest in that relationship. Networking is about relationships, so invest in people you trust, respect, and want to stay connected to. Importantly, remember that networking is a two-way street. You’re just as likely to help them as they are to help you. Is this someone you want to help in the future?

I’m writing about your professional network, but I’d say this advice generally applies to friendships and romantic relationships, too, although your own preferences may be otherwise and that’s your choice. I’ll also explicitly note again that this applies to all genders and many relationship types.

Remember as well that colleges aren’t just full of students. Faculty, staff, and administrators are valuable people to get to know, too. They have wisdom and connections, and often care about helping others, especially students. Anne Hunter was an icon at MIT. She didn’t have a PhD, but she was the administrator for the EE/CS department. Having run the department for decades, she was likely no more than two hops from pretty much anyone in tech. Even more importantly, she really cared about the students.

While this article has been primarily about colleges, it applies to other high-concentration populations as well. Most companies are selective about whom they hire. Getting to know your coworkers, even the ones in different departments who you might not normally need to know, can be good for your network, too. Industry associations were mentioned above, but also consider fellowship programs, accelerators, executive education, and other professional development programs. These organizations have already gathered people likely to be relevant to you, so connecting with them may be helpful in the future.

Patton’s letter was poorly received for several reasons. I’m not a qualified expert on romantic relationships, so marital advice I’ll leave to others. However, when it comes to networking, the narrower premise behind Patton’s advice was not wrong. Applied to all genders, her underlying point is right: you should make the most of relevant high-concentration populations. Remember, however, that network relevance and someone’s value as a human being aren’t the same.

You will spend roughly four years in college. You’ll spend a handful of years at any given job or actively involved with an industry association or other group.. As you get older, both the time and the easy access needed to build new relationships become harder to find. College provides an unusual level of access to a relevant high-concentration population; make the most of it while you can. The network you build today will pay dividends in the future.

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